Goodbye 2017, hello 2018


I am glad that 2017 is finally coming to a close because it has been a difficult and painful year, mainly due to family issues and the general ugliness that has overtaken our nation. I have been profoundly depressed and unhappy this year.

I wish I could compartmentalize things or just not let these things affect me so deeply, but that’s just not something I can do. I can’t ignore things because there are constant reminders everywhere. So, I just tried to stop feeling. I closed myself off, built walls around myself, and shut down, but that didn’t really help.  I have essentially spent the past year alone and unhappy, and I can’t continue to live like this, something has got to change. But the problem is that I seem to have forgotten how to live and how to be happy, and I’m struggling to figure that out. I know it sounds silly to say that, but I’ve learned that happiness is not a given in life; it’s something we need to work at.

I’ve never been someone who makes New Year’s resolutions, but this year I’m making a resolution to start living life again. I’m not sure I know how to do that anymore so I suppose there will be a lot of trial and error, but I have to view the mere effort of trying as a small victory regardless of what the results are.

I would love to move back to Los Aneles, but there are several issues preventing me from doing that. Portland is just a difficult place for me to live given the circumstances. So, I think I’ll take periodic mini-vacations down there, just to get away. Portland is fun during the summer but the winters are tough because we see the sun so infrequently, which makes my depression worse.

The family situation is what it is. I’ve tried and done what I can to repair things, but without any success. I still hold on to the hope that eventually things can be repaired at some point.

Unfortunately, the fucked-up state of our nation is something I don’t see getting any better in 2018. It’s disheartening to see how divided America has become and how we are attacking one another; things have gotten vicious and ugly. The trans community has been under attack from Trump and his supporters and it’s discouraging to see all the progress we’ve made under previous administrations being undone. But there have been small victories, such as the trans candidates who were elected to various offices in the November election, and the defeat of Trump’s proposed ban of trans people in the military. We have to hold on to any victory, no matter how small, to keep us focused and moving forward.

But what is even more troubling to me is the divide within the trans community and all the infighting. At a time like this when we need to pull together and focus on the important issues, we’re wasting time bickering over petty issues. I’ve always been proud of the trans community because we’ve always been there for each other in times of need. The past few years I’ve tried to be a positive voice for our community and to do what I can advocating for our rights and the well-being of our community, but I think I’m done with that. I have no problem fighting society when it comes to what’s best for our community, but I don’t have the stomach to fight my fellow trans people over bullshit issues. We’re supposed to be a source of strength and support for each other, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore, which makes me sad.

So, in 2018 I’m going to focus on me. I have to, because I can’t go through another year like this one. I need to get a life and find some happiness, and distance myself from all the negativity.



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