«

»

Hope

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

I’ve been mostly silent for the past week and a half, but I’ve still been writing, a lot. Writing is like a form of therapy to me, it helps me to think and make sense of what goes on in my life. Sometimes I just write like I’m journaling, or sometimes I’ll write to someone in particular, with no intention of that person ever reading it. It’s sort of how I vent and process things and get it out of my system so I can move forward. For the past two weeks I’ve been working on a piece about trust and the heart, and I keep editing and revising it every day, and it has evolved into something much different than what I originally wrote. It started out full of anger and pain and frustration, but those feelings have eased a bit and the piece has softened and has lost a lot if its edge. I think I conveyed my feelings and emotions pretty clearly in the previous post Betrayal of the Heart, and I didn’t want to rehash all that. This one is more about how I am feeling and where I go from here. But if I don’t post this soon I’ll just keep revising it and it will lose any resemblance to what it started out as, so I decided to write this new opening to include with the part I’ve been working on the past two weeks so I can finally get it posted. The original working title was “Trust; the latest causality in the battle I wage against myself” but I’m not sure now what I’ll use for the title.

 

The original post:

With leprosy or gangrene you can see where it’s spread and the pieces you lose, but when things get hurt in the mind and heart the damage we suffer is not always so readily apparent. But the damage and pain are just as real and felt just as deeply, if not more so, than if it were merely physical pain.

For me the heart has always been much more than just an organ, it’s been my compass in life as it guides me and keeps me on course. I’ve always been someone who feels things deeply and follows my heart, and I used to believe that was a good thing. I never wanted to be someone who drifted through life without feeling all the ups and downs, to miss those experiences. I used to say it was better to feel too much than too little, but now I’m not so sure. Once again I’m hurting; my heart is aching and I’m left to wonder what went wrong. What happened and why is not important; blame is not the issue, it’s the bigger messages that I need to take to heart, namely that I am an utter failure when it comes to dealing with people and relationships, and that I can no longer trust what I feel in my heart or trust my judgement and how I react when it comes to those two things. I’ve lost trust, not only in myself, but in others. I feel as if I’ve just lost my sight and have to figure out an entirely new way of navigating through life. Trust is a big thing with me, and to lose that is to lose a big part of who I am. And without trust there is little hope, and without hope what do we have left? What is left is an existence in which I am alone. As much as I would love to have someone special to share my life with I’m not sure if I’ll ever get past the fear of getting hurt again. I thought I had learned and was getting better when it came to dating and relationships, but it’s apparent I’ve learned nothing and remain as hopeless as ever. I can deal with loneliness a lot easier than heartache.

So, I’ve retreated into myself as I always do when I’m hurting, shutting out everyone as I wait for the pain to subside. There have been no tears this time, just lots of introspection, along with anger and frustration in trying to understand why. I have tried to be a good person and live a respectable life and contribute something positive to society and my community. I have tried to be a good friend and to show the people I care about how much they mean to me. I have tried my best. Yes, I’ve made my share of mistakes; I can be overly sensitive and quick tempered and say snarky things when I should just keep my mouth shut. But I try. And yet I seem to mess up the things that matter most to me, especially when it comes to the people in my life. I don’t feel like I’m stupid or insensitive; I’ve always felt I was a good listener and a caring and compassionate person, and that I could make someone happy, but I just can’t seem to figure out how. I suppose there are things we each struggle with and ultimately never up end up figuring out, and for me that is understanding people and relationships.

So now I’m back in the familiar darkness that I can’t seem to ever escape. There was a time when I felt certain that at some point I’d figure things out and get my life back on track, and the depression would go away and I’d be normal. But I’ve come to realize that was just a naïve fantasy, that depression never completely goes away; it will be something that I have to battle until the day I die. There will be times when I’m happy and life is good and everything feels right, but I know the depression still there, lurking in the background, ready to reassert itself at any opportunity. And that is a very sobering thought. Depression is a battle; it’s a grind to fight through the dark times and get back to being okay again. It feels like I’ve been in this drag-out brawl for so long, and I’ve been able to survive taking the blows and going down, always finding the strength to get back up and resume the fight. But lately it’s gotten a lot harder to get back up, and that scares me. There are times when I just want to give in and stay down; that I have no more fight left in me.

I can look at this rationally enough to know that this will eventually pass and things will get better. I’ve been through this enough times that I know the drill; I know how I think and feel and react during these dark times, and the things I need to do for self-care. I volunteer for a crisis hotline so I know all the right things to say when someone has lost hope and is on the edge. And when I say those things to other people I firmly believe them; that no matter how bad things seem it will always get better. But the sad part is that when I tell myself those same things I just can’t find a way to believe them, even though I have seen time after time in my own life that things will get better, eventually.

The recent bridal show I was in was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. And I had met a really special woman. Life was good and things were going so well, and then in the blink of an eye it all came crashing down. I manage to fuck up every potential relationship, every time without fail, which leaves me to wonder, what is wrong with me? Every time things seem to be getting better and I think I’ve turned the corner, it all falls apart. Every. Single. Time. There are times when I get tired of this life that seems to be my destiny. I know life is not fair, but I’ve never felt like I was asking for much; just to love and be loved, and to find some measure of happiness, and I just don’t understand why those seem to be so unattainable for me. I just don’t get it.

But life goes on and I’m not a quitter, so I’m doing the things I need to do to keep going. I’ve been taking more time for myself, just trying to get my footing again and figure some things out. I’m going to start volunteering at a dog shelter because I love dogs and I know being around animals always makes me happy. And I have finally found a new place to live so I can escape this nightmare in my current housing situation. That by itself will make a huge difference in my outlook. I still have nearly a month to go before I move, but knowing that I will be moving will hopefully make it easier to deal with all this drama and stress. And later this month I’ll be going to see my mom, and also participating on a trans panel at a local college, which is always a positive experience. So I have things to look forward to, which is important. And then at the beginning of May I see the doctor for the consult for my reassignment surgery, so things will get busy after that. I’m reengaging with life and with people and feel like the funk I’ve been in is starting to lift, so I’m healing and moving in the right direction. There is hope. And as spring approaches and the coldness of winter recedes, I’m hopeful that my heart and soul will be nourished by the warmth and sun and that there is still something left inside me that will come to life and grow once again. Hope springs eternal 🙂

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>