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Betrayal of the heart

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I’ve always felt love would happen for me when the time was right. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned through trial and error that love can’t be forced or rushed, and that the harder I look for it the more elusive it is, but I’d become more confident it would eventually happen. I feel like I’m a good person and have a lot of love to give, but I just have to meet the right person at the right time.

I’ve been fortunate to have experienced love earlier in my life, to have found my soulmate, and to know how amazing it is when you meet that special person. It took me a long time to believe there is more than just one person for each of us, more than one soulmate, but I finally understand it now. Love is different for each person and in each relationship and it’s not fair to compare the love for one person or relationship to another. We as people evolve as we age, just as our concept of love does, and just as relationships evolve.

Dating has never been easy for me, mainly because I’ve had so little experience at it. I didn’t date in school, and the first dating experiences I had were in the Army, which is where I met my wife. After 16 years of marriage we divorced, and it took me a long time to get over the divorce. And I was so focused on raising my sons and being a good dad and providing as much stability for them as I could that I didn’t feel right dating, so I didn’t date until they were a lot older. I went on several dates, which were very stressful and not all that much fun, and needless to say nothing much developed from any of those dates, other than showing me how much I sucked at dating.

And then I began transitioning and had to deal with all those emotions, along with unemployment and depression, and I knew I was not ready to date, and felt like my life was so screwed up that it would be unfair to subject anyone else to mess that my life had become. And my self-esteem was so low I felt I wasn’t worthy of being loved.

It’s only been in the past couple of years where I felt I was ready to date, largely because of my life being more stable and the self-confidence I’ve gained, and also being happier. So, I dated a few women and had positive experiences, but even though they didn’t work out long term I gained experience and confidence and started believing there was hope for me. But it’s difficult to date being trans, and especially when you’re a trans woman who is attracted to other women. For some strange reason lesbians seem to frown on me having a penis, which I never fully understand because strap-ons seem to be pretty popular among lesbians from what I understand. But I digress. And online dating is especially difficult for knowing when to tell someone I’m trans, but I always try to bring it up sooner rather than later if I feel there’s any sort of connection. I used to put it in my profile but it became obvious very few people actually took the time to read my profile, which led to some awkward moments.

I used to love the idea of online dating; since I was shy it was easier for me to get to know someone through words, which is my strength, before meeting them in person, which is when I usually struggle. It seemed perfect for me and I’ve tried it on and off over the years but never had much success. I dated one woman for a while who I met on a dating website when I was in Missouri before I transitioned, and even though it didn’t work out we’re still friends after all these years. And I just found out she is engaged!

I finally gave up on online dating a few years ago and disabled my profiles, having come to the conclusion that if I’m going to meet someone it’s going to be the old-fashioned way; meeting in person. I would periodically check out dating sites just to see who’s out there, but just out of curiosity.

The week I got back from Los Angeles I was bored that Saturday night and reactivated my OKCupid account just to look around. I even messaged three people whose profiles I really liked just for the heck ofit. One of the women messaged me back and we hit it off pretty quickly and we were soon emailing each other throughout the day. We had a lot in common and she was easy to talk with and funny, and she made me smile every time we chatted. I know it sounds so cliché, but I felt like there was a connection, and it seemed to me she felt the same way. She is one of the most unique and caring people I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know.

She was very clear in her profile that she wasn’t looking to jump into a relationship and wanted to take things slow, and I felt the same way because in the past there have been times when I rushed things and I know that’s something I have to be careful of. And she told me there were other people she might be interested in dating, which was fine at that point because I was just happy to be friends and see what, if anything, developed from there.

We talked about anything and everything, and she wanted to cook for me and we talked about watching baseball games together, and just continuing to get to know each other, and we also exchanged phone numbers and addresses. I told her I liked her a lot, and she seemed to feel the same way. I sent her an email specifically asking how she felt about me and where this seemed to be heading and what her thoughts were just to see if we were both on the same page, and my interpretation of her reply led to me to believe we were. I wanted to make sure before I let myself develop feelings for her so I did not get hurt.

And then Tuesday afternoon she told me she decided she wanted to date some guy she’d been chatting with but we could still be friends. I was floored, and shocked, and angry, but mostly hurt. I wrote back saying this is exactly why I don’t date because I end up getting hurt, and reminded her that I had specifically asked her about how she felt and that it seemed to me she said she felt the same way, that she was okay with how things were going. In fact, she was the one who said she would slow down if it was going too fast for me. She clearly knew I was developing feelings that were more than just being friends, and based on things she said to me it seemed clear that she was too. And for the record, I am not stupid and my reading comprehension skills are just fine, thank you, and I know what I read. But she disagreed saying she never said she felt the “same” way. But what really hurt me the most when was she said she didn’t want pushy, apparently implying that I had been pushy, which is blatantly not true. I did let her know I’d like to talk and to meet, but made it clear I would wait for when she was ready. I never, ever pressured her about anything. So apparently I was just naive and clueless about what was going on between us, in spite of talking directly about these things. Oh, and let’s not forget being pushy.

I responded to her the one time but have not been in contact with her since. I have learned not to respond when I’m hurt or upset because sometimes I say things which I later regret, and in spite of how I feel at the moment I still care about her and don’t want to hurt her. Perhaps at some point in the future we can be friends, but that’s not going to happen any time soon. Right now I am really hurting. I felt we had established a solid friendship and truly thought we had the chance to be really good friends and perhaps more. I thought I could trust her and open up to her, but once again I ended up hurt. In spite of talking about how things were going with us and how we felt, just to make sure I wasn’t misreading things and to make sure I wasn’t putting myself in a vulnerable position, I still got hurt.

If I had a nickel for every time I was told by a woman they just wanted to be friends I would be a rich. I hear over and over that I’m so nice and sweet and pretty and blah, blah, blah, but no ever, ever gives me the chance to be more than just a friend. And yes, I know there has to be chemistry, and a mutual connection, and all that. What is wrong with me that no one ever sees me as more than just a friend? Not that I don’t value friendship, because I do, every much. But just one time I want to get the chance to be more than just a friend. But it seems as if that just isn’t going to happen.

I’ve always been a romantic and followed my heart, but this time I tried to be smarter and more analytical and not just blindly follow my heart. But it obviously didn’t help, and once again my heart has led me astray. Betrayed by my heart yet again. My heart muscle may be strong and healthy and keeps blood pumping throughout my body, but when it comes to the more important matters of the heart, like love, it has been an abject failure. I lump my heart in the same category as my penis; both are useless organs that serve no purpose for me.

So fuck dating and fuck love. I’m done with this. I’m tired of my heart getting broken. I can deal just fine with my own loneliness, which is a lot easier to deal with than a broken heart. It will be a cold day in hell before I open up and trust anyone again. I don’t understand why it seems as if I’m not meant to ever meet anyone and fall in love again, but so be it. I’ll die alone rather than take another chance and get hurt again. Fuck that.

I’m trying to deal with pain, but I know it just takes time. I’m taking out my anger at the gym, and tonight I’m really sore. I’m reading and listening to music and writing and doing whatever I can think of to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think of her and don’t feel the pain. But it’s tough because I miss her a lot. I miss what had, or what I thought we had.

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