«

»

Life and Death

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

This has been a year defined by life and death. The year started off with the birth of my precious grandson, but was soon followed by the news that my step-father had been moved to hospice care as his terminal disease was nearing the end of its course. Then I recently learned I will once again become a grandparent as my oldest son told me he is going to be a dad, and shortly after that I found out that the cancer my father has been dealing with the past few years has spread to other parts of his body and the prognosis is not good.

I have always known that when my father passes it will be difficult for me, not just because it’s the loss of a parent, but because there are so many unresolved issues between us. My parents divorced when I was young and my father made very little effort to be part of my life. I never felt loved by him and always felt like he viewed me as a disappointment. I continued to make the effort to try be a good son but nothing I did ever made a difference; he still wanted nothing to do with me. I tried to accept it for what it was, that he was my father in name only, but it still hurt. Some people are not meant to be parents, and unfortunately my father is one of those people, and my sister and I paid the price for that. But thankfully we had a wonderful mom who more than made up for the loss of not having a father.

When I told my father I was transgender he never accepted me and made no effort to try to learn and understand despite my repeated attempts to talk or offer other resources. That’s when his verbal attacks on me got worse, and then he started in on my sons, saying things which really hurt me. At that point I decided I no longer wanted him in my life because he was toxic to me. So we haven’t communicated in close to two years. I’m at peace with it because I know I made the effort to make the relationship work. I do feel sorry for him because he is alone and has no relationship with either of his children or any of his grandchildren; he is a bitter, angry, man. But this was all his own doing and he has no one to blame but himself, and he has had to live with that.

So now I have to decide if I will go see him before he passes. There really isn’t much of a decision; going to see him is the right thing to do, so I will go. I have no expectations that we’ll make up and repair all the damage; I know he is incapable of doing that. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say or do; hopefully my being there will provide some level of comfort for him. Mostly I’m scared to go because I know it’s going to be painful, and I also don’t want to put myself in a position of being hurt by him again. But I will go because I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t; I just hope there won’t be a price to pay for trying to do the right thing.

But for now I choose to focus on life. I will spend time with my grandson and cherish his smiles and giggles and the happiness he brings to my life, and I will share in the joy and excitement with my other son as he awaits the birth of his child. The death will have to wait.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedinmail

2 comments

  1. sondra

    I am a colon cancer survivor. J had the operation and did ten months of Kem0. That was in 1997 and have had eight colon probes since. The first adventure in the tuffy and the rest are a piece of cake. It is very good to have done usually three years apart. If there is cancer in your family I would recommend doing this. If you smoke, STOP!K am in my mid eighties and try to follow all doctors advice. I came out to my wife who died two years ago and others too. I am a dues paying member of PFlag here in my area of Florida. Wonderful to go to a meeting in full femme clothes. Write anytime, I now live alone and dress often. Kisses, Sondra. P S, my younger brother died while I was dooing Kemo and I visited him often. The closer the grime reaper gets, the tougher visits becacomee. I finally stopped, you be careful on this.

    1. Becca Benz

      Hi Sondra. Thank you for reading my blog and for writing. I’m glad to hear you survived the cancer and are doing well; we can never be too careful about our health. I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your brother; my condolences to you and your family. I’m happy you’re now out and able to dress and be yourself, that’s a big step. Thanks again for writing, and I wish you continued good health and happiness 🙂

      Becca

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>