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The Other L Word

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I had been doing really well staying within the parameters of our relationship and not allowing my mind to wander too much and to want things which were not possible. I was really proud of myself for living in the moment and just enjoying what we do have and not wanting what can’t be. But over the course of last night and this morning everything changed.

Staci had been out of town and I wasn’t expected her back until today, but late yesterday afternoon she told me she was on her way back and would be able to join me at the club later that evening. This was completely unexpected but totally fantastic news. I got to the club and met a new friend and we spent the early part of the evening talking, and I really enjoyed the good conversation and getting to know him. But as soon as Staci walked in and I saw that beautiful smile I went to her and gave her a big hug and suddenly all was right in my world again. She looked absolutely radiant and more beautiful than ever. Her smile just melts my heart every time. We had a wonderful time at club seeing friends and socializing and just being together.

After the club closed we went out to a little diner and had breakfast, and it was so nice just enjoying our meal and talking. And we actually had something other than Thai food for a change lol

Then she drove me home and we parked in the driveway, snuggled close, held hands, and just talked. We really talked and I felt like she opened up and let me in more so than she had up to that point and I got to see deeper inside her and learn more about who she is and how she thinks and feels. That was the most special part the evening as usual, sitting in the car and talking and holding hands. Seeing her smile and hearing her laugh, and feeling that connection are moments that will forever be etched in my heart. Reluctantly I said goodnight, or more accurately, I said goodnight probably half a dozen times before I managed to drag myself out of the car. I would have given anything for the evening to not end.

So, back to the title of the post, The Other L Word. I have tried my best to keep my feelings for her where they needed to be, but I can no longer deny that I am falling in love with this amazing lady. As I wrote in an earlier post about her, the heart wants what it wants, and my heart has left no doubt that it wants her. I don’t know what this means. The realities of the situation still remain the same, but at times I feel like maybe there is a glimmer of hope that perhaps this could somehow, some way possibly work out into something which will not be ending in a couple of weeks. My heart tells me that there is an undeniable connection and that she feels it too. The way she looks at me makes me believe she feels it. And the funny thing is that so many people have commented about us, that we look so happy together or that we make a cute couple. So it’s not just my imagination running wild, other people see it too. I look at the pictures of us together and I almost don’t recognize myself because I have this look that is new for me; utter happiness and contentment. She makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time, and she makes me happy. Very happy. And I get the sense I make her happy too.

So, I’m not sure what this means or where we go from here. We will obviously be doing a lot more talking. I just know that I am falling in love with Staci, and it feels wonderful to acknowledge those feelings. It’s also scary in some ways to admit this because I feel very vulnerable and I know the potential for me to get hurt has just exponentially increased. But the heart wants what it wants, and my heart belongs to her as long as she wants it. And right now that makes me smile and feel really happy.

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2 comments

  1. lakitycat

    Very nicely said girl, as ask I both wishing you both all the very best as well as thanking you for sharing a past of you with the rest of us. Very refreshing to hear good things coming your way. It’s surely been a long time for me as well. I have a new partner in a business this year, as do we work together in close quarters, I know she will never except me as do I often times question as to why I went into a partnership so quickly with someone I just recently meet. Yet I did. (Scratches head haha).

    Regardless, glass things are going well for you as do I so hope and pray good things to come for you. It gives me hope for both you n possibly me as well. But my line of work gives me really few choices in life these days. Hugs girlfriend

    1. Becca Benz

      Thanks for reading my blog Kitty and for your kind words, they are very much appreciated. Hopefully there are good things ahead for both of us! And hopefully your business partner will eventually become more accepting; sometimes it just takes time.

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